If there’s a more thankless job than that of a bartender, we haven’t heard of it. You have to work terrible hours for bad money and you constantly run the risk of dealing with human nightmares who don’t know how to handle their alcohol. Bartender stories are some of the craziest anecdotes we’ve heard from any workplace. You get people acting on their basest instincts and in ways they would never normally act all in the name of having a good time. As you might be able to guess, a lot of these bar cut off stories involve drunks getting their lights punched out, screaming matches, and truly bizarre antics. Yeah, it’s safe to say that these bar stories are pretty intense.
If you’ve ever been kicked out of a bar then you know how hard it is to actually get a bartender mad at you. One might say that you actually have to go out of your way to be 86’d. The people in these drunk stories definitely go above and beyond the call of duty on their mission to be tossed out of their local dives. Some of these human nightmares sound like they make it their life’s work to get cut off, while some of the other ne’er do wells seem like they might have just had a bad night. Whatever the case, you don’t want to follow in the footsteps of these characters.
When You’ve Got to Go, You’ve Got to Go
This story is just gruesome. If you’ve ever been to Las Vegas then you know the type of gambler who hangs out at the video poker machines all day and plays until they’re blackout drunk. When watching those players you might wonder where they go to the bathroom. Well, as the bartender points out, not where you want them to.
“[A] guest came up to me to say that this guy just ripped his dick out and pissed in a water bottle at the bar. Let me remind you the water bottles at my work are the little like 8 oz bottles. I look to see if this is true and what do I see sitting on the bar top?? A water bottle filled with piss color water. I’m like wtf this isn’t real. The guy is still playing like nothing even happened with his piss bottle sitting in front of him. I called my manger over to do the cut off and when she went to talk to him we realized not only was he a nasty f*cking drunk. He had sh*tty aim.”
Mullets on Mullets on Murder Suspects
While bartending one day, I served a beer to a guy wearing a trucker hat with fluffy red mullet who passed out half way through his beer. After trying to wake him, the bartender called 911 and had the staff put the guy on his back, when that happened the cap and mullet fell off…revealing a second mullet. After calling 911 an ambulance and the cops arrived, who ended up arresting the guy for murdering his girlfriend.
She Must Have Had a Hot Boyfriend
While working as a cocktail waitress back in the early 2000s she says that her boyfriend used to hang out in the bar all night while he waited for her to get off work (is that a cool boyfriend move? Or the coolest boyfriend move?). One night there was a super drunk lady who wouldn’t stop hitting on the boyfriend, and when she found out that he was dating the waitress the lady went ballistic. “She no sh*t broke her glass on the counter and tried to come at me. I picked up the first thing close by which was a cocktail tray and just slapped her in the face with it and she fell right over and we threw her out. She wasn’t just cut off, b*tch was 86’d.”
That’s Not the Bathroom
If you’ve ever worked in a bar and restaurant, you know that the walk in freezer is your one safe space away from the
drudgery of work. But one drunk guy can ruin everything by pissing all over your chicken wings. According to this bartender, “Dude had to pay for like 5 boxes of wings and was banned.”
Snoop Dogg’s Playhouse
Vapers of the world, we know when you’re smoking weed. Everyone knows! Especially your bartender, so if you’re trying to get cross faded and your bartender asks you to knock it off, it’s probably for the best if you just chill. And by chill we don’t mean smoke more weed, we mean put your dumb smoke machine away. According to the bartender, the smoker didn’t even know how restaurant math worked? “When I hand him his check, he asked if he could apply a negative tip. I told him where the door is.”