Although they’re often misunderstood, most bartenders are genuinely good people who would never put their
[REDACTED] in a beverage. But when a bartender reaches their breaking point, all bets are off. They can become
vengeful, conniving home-wreckers who take liberties with their positions of power, and are excellent
at satisfying lonely girlfriends. These are their tales, pulled straight from the mouths of villainous bartenders from across the country. We’ve anonymized their names to protect their identities/livelihoods, but feel free to share your own horror stories in the comments. We promise to believe you when you say it happened to “your friend”.
Tales of pure filth
“A club bartender had been stiffed and ordered around by this guy all night. The next drink he ordered, the bartender said he had to go get some limes, but instead he walked to a corner of the bar where nobody could see either side of him, unzipped his pants, and put his [REDACTED] in the guy’s vodka tonic. He brought it
back to him, and the guy chugged it. He might have chugged a couple of things that night.” -NH
“One crazy bartender stuck the neck of a $1,000 bottle of Cognac up his [REDACTED] on his last day. Proof
that sometimes the biggest a-holes have the most expensive taste.” -TM
“I once worked at a bar with such a specific brand of cruelty that we named acts of evil like football plays.
The Matt (er, mat) Damon was what we served to scuzzbucket customers who came in at last call wanting
elaborate shots for him and his bros. You know those black mats that sit on top of bars and collect liquid and
other various matter throughout the night? Well, why would we dump all of that precious goodness at the end
of the night when so many bros need such elaborate shots?” -FM
Tales of seduction
“This bartender I knew in Westlake Village had this married couple come in all the time. The guy was loaded and his wife was always decked out. You could tell she was way out of his league, but he had money. He
was the kind of guest that would always berate waitstaff and tip like s**t. So one day towards the end of the
night, he closed his bill and said to the bartender in front of everyone, ‘I got a tip for you: get a real job.’ The bartender replied with, ‘I got a tip for you. Pull your wife’s hair during sex. I did it to her last week when you were out of town and she loved it.’ “The wife just kept saying ‘I am sorry’ over and over again.” -CS
“There’s this dude who always comes in who sold some s**ty tech company Mark
Cuban-style for a lot of money during one of the bubbles, and talks about all his Teslas and s**t, and how he could own this bar, and buy this and that. Literally, whenever he’s out at some Ted Talk or golfing with Marissa Mayer or whatever they do, I have sex with his girlfriend, who is kind of a s**tty lay and has some weird demons of her own, but
that’s obviously not the point. Anyway, whenever he’s in, I always send them over shots and toast ‘to the things you’ll learn tomorrow’, which he thinks is some Zen bulls**t, but I actually literally mean finding out that I’m having sex with his girlfriend.” -DL
Stories of senseless violence
“A guy at the end of the bar was pretty tipsy. He was talking a lot of s**t and threw his glass at the bartender. The bartender turned up the lights and turned off the music. He stood on the bar and said, ‘Unless someone kicks this guy’s ass, I am not serving a motherf**king drink.’ Within a matter of seconds, the ass-whooping of a lifetime started.
He was then dragged outside. The lights got lowered, the music came back on, and a round of Jager was ordered for the bar.
God bless New Jersey.
“I once punched a guy twice real quick and then had to confront him again. He got
cocky, and I puffed up, and he said ‘I’m not gonna let you hit me twice.’ I said, ‘I already
hit you twice.’ And then I hit him again.” -EC
“I’m trying to think of all the s**t I’ve done. I once convinced a guy he had too much to drink even though he hadn’t, and I wouldn’t let him in the bar because I didn’t like him. I ended up pushing him off our stairs when he still tried to come in.” -DV