As I have previously discussed being a bartender isn’t just about pouring the drinks. It’s a complex dance of flirting,
strong will and oftentimes loose morals. You have to have the power and control to take over any situation that may arise
at your bar. A weak personality will never survive in a good bar. Sure, weak personalities could survive in a convention
hall bar where they serve beer and wine, but they will never survive a NYC club or Montana pub.
Leave it to the professionals. Bartending for seven years now, I have seen a lot, done a lot, heard way too much and
experienced crap beyond belief. So it is time to share some trade secrets on how to be a good female bartender! Of
course the main thing is to know your drinks and be quick and efficient, but everyone knows that, so here are the tips
that not everyone knows:
1. Be tougher than any bitch or bastard who enters your bar.
You need to be able to throw someone out without the help of a bouncer. You need to be stern
enough to scare the pants off any drunkard and smart enough to avoid being shot in the process. I have worked at
bars where gunshots were fired outside, where knives were pulled inside… you have to be prepared for it all.
2. You must be the biggest flirt without giving it all away.
Can’t have that shit for free. You need to be able to lure the men without them following you home and make
the woman feel flattered to be hit on by a woman without them thinking you want them. I have been followed home
once… not a good time. I can’t tell you how many numbers, business cards and men willing to cheat on their wives that
I’ve encountered. In my experience, however, don’t mess with the ones who are married… they tend to come with
3. Know at least one bar trick to entertain your customers.
At the bar in NYC that I worked at, I was able to draw the attention of the entire bar with my bar trick. My
boss would bring in friends and demand that I show them the bar trick. I had customers bring their coworkers to see it… I
was a crowd pleaser. The trick you ask? Well I can’t give away all my secrets, but it involves drinking a beer with no hands.
4. Provide entertainment for the annoying ones who want to chat with you constantly.
Mind games are the best. Lay out a straw puzzle in order to keep their mind occupied. The annoying ones are hard to shake and
you’ll never make it as a bartender if you have to sit and talk to one person the entire time.
5. Know how to make a bar towel into a penis
That is a great quality to have in a bartender. If you have a penis towel you can attract the females or use it as a weapon
against the males. Threatening to dick slap someone can help you control the crazies.
6. Handle your liquor.
This one is EXTREMELY important. Your patrons want to drink with you; they want to buy you shots. So unless you live in a ridiculous state like Washington, where you can’t drink behind the bar, you best be able to handle those shots. I’m not talking about 3 or 4 shots. I’m talking about 9 or 10 over a 6 hour shift. One night I took 15 shots and was still able to count my till at the end of the night. Granted I can’t do that anymore, I max out around 8, but that is because I work at a lame bar now. If you can
drink with your patrons, you will make a great bartender. I remember the shifts after I worked a 12-shot shift and I told
the patrons that I wouldn’t be able to drink that night – I completely lost their respect. I learned quickly from that. You
need to be able to function on a shitload of alcohol. If you can’t, then might I suggest becoming a shoe salesperson as
opposed to a bartender.
7. As a female bartender you have to know when to say no.
It is never smart to sleep with your customers,b osses, bouncers or other bartenders. I have done all of the
above and learn from my mistakes… not good. Everyone knows it isn’t smart to sleep with people you work with for
obvious reasons so I’ll move on to the customers. Sleeping with your drunk customers can just prove to be difficult.
You may lose their business, which will piss your boss off, they may fall in love with you, which will make it awkward
for you, or since they are frequent bar goers you may wind up with a disease… and well… you just don’t want that. Also
if a man offers you $10,000 to sleep with him – just say no. That is just never a good idea. I said no, my coworker did not.
People haven’t seen her since then, apparently she moved to Denver.
8. Be physically fit.
I’m not saying that you have to be a body builder, but in the instance that you need to drag a 300lb Alabama construction worker out of the bar after hep asses out in the girl’s bathroom, it’d be nice if you were strong enough to do so. Plus if you can’t change your own keg then you have no business being behind the bar.
9. Have no judgment.
You can’t judge people if you work in a bar. After all you work in A BAR! You flirt for money, so don’t judge the hooker who hangs on the business man or the chubby chick who takes advantage of the drunk hot guy. You are there for the money and they are there for the drinks.
10. Be a good fake listener.
Don’t actually listen to all of the tales of heartache, divorce, indiscretion, fantasy, lust, etc. You’ll go crazy. Listen enough to respond with basic answers but don’t listen enough that you’ll have to start drinking to get over their problems. If you fall into that trap, depression can ensue, which results in hitting up the late night bars for two gin martinis before catching the subway. It happens and it’s not pleasant. Patrons look at you as a cheaper version of a therapist, so be just that. Don’t be the full on therapist, you aren’t paid enough. Listen enough to get their money but not enough to send yourself into a drunken spiral.
11. Now not everyone can be a super rock star bartender such as myself…
(*clearly modest) but to be a good female bartender these tricks of the trade should help you out