Ireland is an island to the west of Britain
but Northern Ireland is just off the mainland
– not the Irish mainland, the British mainland.
The capital of Ireland is Dublin. It has a
population of a million people, all of whom
will be shopping in Newry this afternoon.
They travel to Newry because it is in the
North, which is not part of Ireland, but can
still pay in Euros.
Under the Irish constitution, the North
used to be in Ireland, but a successful 30-
year campaign of violence for Irish unity ensured
that it is now definitely in the UK. Had
the campaign lasted any longer the North
might now be in France.
Belfast is the capital of Northern Ireland.
It has a population of half a million, half of
whom own houses in Donegal. Donegal is
in the north but not in the North. It is in the
South. No, not the south – the South.
There are two parliaments in Ireland. The
Dublin parliament is called the Dáil, (pronounced “Doyle”), an Irish word meaning a
place where banks receive taxpayers’ money.
The one in Belfast is called Stormont, an
Anglo-Saxon word meaning ‘placebo’, or deliberately
Their respective jurisdictions are defined
by the border, an imaginary line on the map
to show fuel launderers where to dump their
chemical waste and bi-products.
Protestants are in favour of the border,
which generates millions of pounds in smuggling
for Catholics, who are totally opposed
to it. Travel between the two states is complicated
because Ireland is the only country in
the world with two M1 motorways. The one in
the North goes west to avoid the south and
the one in the South goes north to avoid the
price of the drink!
We have two types of democracy in Ireland.
Dublin democracy works by holding a referendum
and then allowing the government
to judge the result. If the government thinks the result is wrong, the referendum is held
again. Twice in recent years the government
decided the people’s choice was wrong and
ordered a new referendum. Belfast democracy
works differently. It has a parliament with
no opposition, so the government is always
right. This system generates envy in many
world capitals, especially Dublin.
Ireland has three economies – northern,
southern and black. Only the black economy
is in the green. The other two are in the red.
All versions of the IRA claim to be the real
IRA but only one of them is the Real IRA. The
North’s biggest industry is the production of
IRAs. Consequently, we now have the Official,
Provisional, Continuity and Real IRA.
The Real IRA is by far the most popular
among young graffiti writers simply because
it is the easiest to spell.
Hopefully this clarifies things and has answered
many previously unanswered questions
about the real history of Ireland.