Learn what he really wants in the bedroom and why, with these genius sex tips and advice.
1. We Respond to Praise
It’s believed that men are so consumed by our libido that we
have no self-consciousness surrounding sex. But men are no
different from women when it comes to compliments as catalysts
for sexual confidence. This praise can be delivered before
reaching the bedroom (give us the once-over and tell us how
buff we look), and after (give us the once-over and tell us how
buff we look naked). Along those lines, men worry about the
size of their guts (and other measurable organs), their hair (or
lack thereof) and other attributes. Try to be extra affirming about
2. We Fear Intimacy…
…but not for the reason you think! Studies have shown that boys
are more affectionate, even more expressive, than girls until
they reach school age. At that time, social repression begins—of
words, thoughts, feelings—and our desire for human connection
goes underground. So taboo is this desire for
intimacy that its possibility can terrify men—
not because it’s smothering, but because we
realize how desperate we are for it. What’s a
woman to do? First, understand that your guy’s
hasty retreat post-sex may be about his own
shock at how much he craves a connection
with you (and how much he’s denied it in life).
Then, retreat a little yourself. This gives him
time to see that his boyhood habits are, in fact,
3. We Appreciate Sex for Sex’s Sake
Having said that about intimacy, sometimes
a little “throw-me-down sex” is the right
medicine. According to Joe Kort, PhD, a
psychotherapist and sexologist, “Men want
their wives to enjoy raw sex, not just endure it
or take it personally. For men, it’s not about dominating a woman,
but ravishing her.” On occasion, try letting him ravish you.
4. We Are Not Just Our…
The penis gets all the press, but men have “many erogenous
zones,” says psychologist Melodie Schaefer, PsyD. “Men tend
not to correct women because they’re afraid women will shut
down and not touch them at all. But there are many places a
woman should touch.” Like the chest, the inner thighs and face.
Two other key areas: Gently gripping a man’s testicles can be a
real turn-on, as it blends control with release. Also, stimulating
the perineum, the area between the scrotum and anus, will
heighten pleasure during oral sex.
5. We Encourage Fantasies
“Men want to share their fantasies but worry their wives will
shame or judge them,” says Dr. Kort. Similarly, Dr. Schaefer
reports that men wish women would reveal their imaginings.
Want to open yourself to these possibilities? Try making a
game of it. First, and most important, promise not to judge the
other; then, privately write out scenarios that have tantalized
you and place them in a box. When you are next intimate, pull
one out. If you’re both comfortable, give it a shot. If not, Dr. Kort
recommends asking the author a key question: What about this
fantasy do you like? Sometimes, its themes can be addressed in
different, more comfortable scenarios.
6. We Like It When You Talk
Talking during sex stimulates more than our ears. What kind of
talk? Dirty, praising and instructive are great starts. As amusing
as it may sound, a woman’s words can make a guy feel as potent
and virile as a Roman gladiator, even if he’s a suburban banker.
7. We Need Your Honesty
Sex can solve the stresses of a relationship, but it’s often where
the stresses show up. If we complain about a lack of sex (or your
doing certain things only on our birthday), we may be overlooking
serious issues that underpin such withholding. We need you to
enlighten us. The male ego is often tied to sex, so it’s easy for us
to dismiss bedroom problems as female disinterest rather than
issues we have a part in. Avoiding these problems, however, only
perpetuates your feeling unseen and our frustration.
8. We Enjoy the Dance
Men like a good quest; unfortunately, these days, there are so
few. But romance earns that distinction. Allow
us to court you; make us deserve your desire.
Dr. Kort makes an additional point: “Emotional
intimacy is about closeness, but sustaining sexual
desire demands a certain amount of distance.”
How do couples strike this tricky balance? By
allowing each partner to have what he calls
“separate sexuality”: a sexual life that doesn’t
include, but doesn’t betray, the other. “For him,
that might mean allowing his wife to use toys or
letting other men look at her; for her, it might be
permitting him to watch pornography in order
to experience a fantasy.” Such indulgences help
maintain the balance of desire and devotion for
9. We Can Explain Pornography
Finding a spouse using pornography is a top
reason couples seek counsel, says Dr. Kort, but it shouldn’t be
overreacted to or pathologized. A few things to clear up: 1. Sex
addicts represent only 4 percent of the population, so it’s unlikely
your man is one. 2. Because childhood experiences influence
sexuality as an adult, people are very idiosyncratic about what
turns them on. In other words, says Dr. Kort, “no woman can, nor
should she, be everything to a man.” Still, the question remains:
How does a woman not take pornography personally? First,
determine if your mate is compulsive, or can only have sex, with
pornography. If so, you may want to seek counseling. If not, Dr.
Kort recommends taking the secrecy out of pornography by
discussing it. Use the lens of “what about it turns him on versus
what turns you off.” That way, a dialogue is created that allows for
honesty, dignity and closeness.
10. We Always Need It, But Not for the Reason You Think
Men are accused of being sexually insatiable, but women should
rethink this. “Men see sex as a celebration,” says Dr. Schaefer.
“They wish women would take more of a ‘carpe diem’ approach
to it. We move through life at the speed of sound, with multiplying
challenges and pressures. It’s easy to allow demands on our time
and energy to rob us of the joy, pleasure and opportunity that sex
affords us. On the long list of priorities, it should not be on the
bottom rung.” If that doesn’t make you want to “seize the day” (or
something else), consider the health benefits: Orgasms release
oxytocin, which has been called the “bonding hormone,” bringing
couples closer together while it alleviates anxiety and stress,
reduces blood pressure and promotes healing.