THE BARTENDER DIARIES

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“People constantly ask, “What is the craziest
thing you’ve seen as a bartender?”

That’s a difficult question to answer.
Just like nothing is weird if everything is weird….. nothing is crazy if everything is crazy, right?
Sure, I’ve dealt with a lot of interesting situations, but rarely can I give them off the top of my head. Luckily, I’m a
writer. And guess what writers do? Yup, you guessed it – they write.
My nightly wind-down routine consists of a glass of red wine, cuddling with my kitty cat, and my journal.

Naturally I’ll highlight what stuck out to me throughout
the day. As I was looking through some old entries I
noticed a pattern.
A “crazy stories” pattern. Boom.
Consider your question answered:
3/8/17
Yes. That older man was hot. Ted was his name. It’s a
bummer that he offered to pay me $4,000 to not work
and the only reason it couldn’t happen is because
we couldn’t find a bartender replacement. Tonight
was so close to being the best financial night of my
bartending career. Damn you Friday nights! Why do
you have to be so popular!
5/5/17
Served a table on the floor tonight since we couldn’t
find a waitress. Tall purple haired girl with old man
Bernie Sanders hair. He pulls me aside. “ Do you know
who I’m with? She is a transgender porn star. How
much can we pay you to come back to the hotel?”
Welllllll. Guy tipped me $5.00 on $60.00 so I’m gonna
go with no. Also transgender 3somes aren’t really my
thing so, yea, it was always a no.
6/7/17
I used to live in Florida so I get it… they are a lot
slower down there. But this Floridian kid took the
cake tonight. It was 10:53 and he drunkenly waves
me down
“Hey babe, I want to pay for this girls food… and I want
a shot. And she wants a shot. And you are drinking a
shot. And get 2 more shots for your friends.”
Your wish is my command, friend.
At 10:57 I run his credit card for $143.00. He asks
why it’s so damn expensive. I explain he bought 5
shots and a random girls dinner 4 minutes prior.
“I didn’t buy you guys shots, and I didn’t offer to buy
her food either.”
Everyone in earshot just laughed and explained that
he, in fact, ordered these.
“I want to speak to a manager, I want to see the
cameras. I didn’t order these.”
Be my guest. Idiot.
Apparently when he went in the office to watch them
he was too drunk to see and ended up getting kicked
out for almost knocking over a computer.
Thanks for the shots, drunkie.
8/13/17
Again. The smelly guy with a Narcos mustache.
Again. Where do we draw the stalker/normal line?
He’s cutting it pretty close. He already confessed he
was married but still comes in every night I work, sits
in same seat at the end of the bar, and unwaveringly
stares. Never mind the time I caught him taking a pic
of my booty last month. Ugh.
I also found out tonight why my favorite manager and
favorite waitress don’t get along. Allegedly she had
pink-eye one night and he wouldn’t help her get the
night off. Then he basically called her a little brat.
Can’t take sides, love ‘em both.
9/15/17
So… 2 Italian dudes sit at my bar acting like the own
the place. They will not shut up about how bad-ass
their restaurant is. I ask to see a picture. One shows
me the security cameras from his phone of their
“restaurant” in Harlem. Looks exactly like an outdated
Dunkin’ Donuts. The only difference between the 2 is
that…. their spot has not one person in it.
9/23/17
Ugh…. Whyyyy do I have such a crush on this
d-bag! First off, how could I ever be into a guy who
frequents a strip joint. Second, he’s loud as shit and
I’m supposed to be the only loud annoying one here.
Lastly, the massage girl told me tonight she put him
in a headlock to the point he was red and couldn’t
breathe. When she finally let him go he was so angry
and told her to get the fuck away from him. Normal
guys would laugh it off, no? What pussy man gets
head locked by a girl?
This ones gotta go.
10/10/17
CEO and employee both seem sober. “2 Shots” CEO
demands. Employee says, “No, I will throw up if you
serve me.” (I’ve heard that once or twice before).
I serve the 2 shots. Few minutes later I notice the
yellow lemon drop shot cup is now more full than
before and miraculously turned pink with chunks. The
bar is covered also. I will listen to employees from
now on.
There’s many more where these came from. And next
time you stop by and I’m working – feel free to be as
off-the-wall as possible.
Cheers!

By Chantal Cyr

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