Bartender Diaries

Bartender Diaries

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People constantly ask, “What is the craziest thing you’ve seen as a bartender?”

That’s a difficult question to answer.

Just like nothing is weird if everything is weird….. nothing is crazy if everything is crazy, right?

Sure, I’ve dealt with a lot of interesting situations, but rarely can I give them off the top of my head. Luckily, I’m a writer. And guess what writers do? Yup, you guessed it – they write.

My nightly wind-down routine consists of a glass of red wine, cuddling with my kitty cat, and my journal.

Naturally I’ll highlight what stuck out to me throughout the day. As I was looking through some old entries I noticed a pattern.

A “crazy stories” pattern. Boom.

Consider your question answered:

3/8/16

Yes. That older man was hot. Ted was his name. It’s a bummer that he offered to pay me $4,000 to not work and the only reason it couldn’t happen is because we couldn’t find a bartender replacement. Tonight was so close to being the best financial night of my bartending career. Damn you Friday nights! Why do you have to be so popular!

5/5/16

Served a table on the floor tonight since we couldn’t find a waitress. Tall purple haired girl with old man Bernie Sanders hair. He pulls me aside. “ Do you know who I’m with? She is a transgender pornstar. How much can we pay you to come back to the hotel?” Welllllll. Guy tipped me $5.00 on $60.00 so I’m gonna go with no. Also transgender 3somes aren’t really my thing so, yea, it was always a no.

6/7/16

I used to live in Florida so I get it… they are a lot slower down there. But this Floridian kid took the cake tonight. It was 10:53 and he drunkenly waves me down

“Hey babe, I want to pay for this girls food… and I want a shot. And she wants a shot. And you are drinking a shot. And get 2 more shots for your friends.”

Your wish is my command, friend.

At 10:57 I run his credit card for $143.00. He asks why it’s so damn expensive. I explain he bought 5 shots and a random girls dinner 4 minutes prior.

“I didn’t buy you guys shots, and I didn’t offer to buy her food either.”

Everyone in earshot just laughed and explained that he, in fact, ordered these.

“I want to speak to a manager, I want to see the cameras. I didn’t order these.”

Be my guest. Idiot.

Apparently when he went in the office to watch them he was too drunk to see and ended up getting kicked out for almost knocking over a computer.

Thanks for the shots, drunkie.

8/13/16

Again. The smelly guy with a Narcos mustache. Again. Where do we draw the stalker/normal line? He’s cutting it pretty close. He already confessed he was married but still comes in every night I work, sits in same seat at the end of the bar, and unwaveringly stares. Nevermind the time I caught him taking a pic of my booty last month. Ugh.

I also found out tonight why my favorite manager and favorite waitress don’t get along. Alledgedly she had pink-eye one night and he wouldn’t help her get the night off. Then he basically called her a little brat. Can’t take sides, love ‘em both.

9/15/16

So… 2 italian dudes sit at my bar acting like the own the place. They will not shut up about how badass their restaurant is. I ask to see a picture. One shows me the security cameras from his phone of their “restaurant” in Harlem. Looks exactly like an outdated Dunkin’ Donuts. The only difference between the 2 is that…. their spot has not one person in it.

9/23/16

Ugh…. Whyyyy do I have such a crush on this d-bag! First off, how could I ever be into a guy who frequents a strip joint. Second, he’s loud as shit and I’m supposed to be the only loud annoying one here. Lastly, the massage girl told me tonight she put him in a headlock to the point he was red and couldn’t breathe. When she finally let him go he was so angry and told her to get the fuck away from him. Normal guys would laugh it off, no? What pussy man gets headlocked by a girl?

This ones gotta go.

10/15/16

CEO and employee both seem sober. “2 Shots” CEO demands. Employee says, “No, I will throw up if you serve me.” (I’ve heard that once or twice before). I serve the 2 shots. Few minutes later I notice the yellow lemon drop shot cup is now more full than before and miraculously turned pink with chunks. The bar is covered also. I will listen to employees from now on.

There’s many more where these came from. And next time you stop by and I’m working – feel free to be as off-the-wall as possible.

Cheers!

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