Over the past few months, I’ve somehow been sucked into the Donald Trump vortex. I can’t imagine that I’m even a fly on the wall to this orange-skinned, presidential hopeful, yet the media seems to enjoy linking the two of us together.
Our unlikely bond stems from a surprising and very revealing taped phone call Donald made to yours truly asking (begging) me to not write a story exposing his poor dating etiquette. Known as “The Call”, the tape was nearly a decade old before being lifted out of mothballs once Donald decided he wanted to become President of the United States…aka Ruler Of The World.
Besides “The Call”, I also got to know Donald after a series of one-on-one interviews where we discussed his thoughts on money, women, and what it might be like to be poor. Not just a little poor, but dirt poor. His face nearly twisted into a knot at the thought of such a thing. Despite his remarkable arrogance, in a weird kind of way I actually liked the guy. He was a harmless guy who had more money than everybody else and just happened to like bragging about it. No problemo.
Then everything changed when Donald went from being a lovable jerk to a dangerous political figure that could one day destroy the world. WTF Donald?! Now I guess it’s up to me to save mankind from this freaking lunatic by exposing Trump for what he really is…a loud mouth, country club draft dodger who cares about one thing and one thing only…Donald Trump.
So what has Donald done this month besides opening his mouth? Well, I’m glad you asked. Apparently Donald and his children run a company called Trump International Realty that boasts on their website that their company is “The world’s only global luxury real estate super-brand and is responsible for many of the world’s most recognized properties. Renowned for its leadership in real estate sales, marketing, development, and management, the Trump name represents excellence and luxury in residential and commercial properties alike. With each new venture, Trump achieves perfection through superior quality, superior locations and incredible details, creating an unparalleled experience and constantly raising the bar for super luxury living.” Phew, that’s a mouthful Donald.
However, Houston, we have a problem.
It seems one of Donald’s Jersey City “luxury” residential buildings isn’t so superior after all. The 55-story Trump Plaza is currently the home of many unhappy renters due to a recent notice telling Trump’s tenants that as the summer begins, so does a scheduled 12-month repair on their outdoor pool. Excuse me? Indeed, the man who claims to be able to right the American ship and create a new and improved country can’t seem to fill a cement hole with water. As you can imagine, there are a lot of angry Trump Plaza renters who are probably in a state of shock as I sit here writing this column. In fact, one of Trump’s tenants offered to pay me $500 dollars to use my pool for the summer, which as luck would have it, is just down the street from Trump’s pool-less digs.
The question we all have to ask ourselves after reading this tragic tale is as followed: HOW THE HELL CAN DONALD TRUMP RUN A COUNTRY WHEN HE CAN’T FIX A FUCKING POOL?!