I don’t care what anyone says, the flu shot gives you the flu!
Each year I fall for it: the hype that this year’s flu will be the worst we’ve seen in years, but not to fear because a quick and easy flu shot will protect against this hideous modern-day black plague of misery and phlegm. However, this year I resisted—I swore I would take my chances. December, November, January, and February all went very well. Just a few sniffles and an occasional toilet situation…I was home free!
Then March arrived. F-ing March!
I don’t know what inspired me to take the shot. I really have no intelligent or rational reason on why I did it. I was getting a prescription filled when my doctor said, “Hey, while you’re here, why don’t you get a flu shot?” Hmmmm… “But it’s almost spring,” I replied. “Well,” my health provider declared, “You know that it’s still flu season and the new flu vaccine is really effective for what’s going around.” Apparently, that’s all I needed to hear. “Sure thing, Doc! Stick me. What the hell!”
That was on March 2nd.
It’s now March 24th and I’m 99 percent sure I’m going to die.
Fever, chills, coughing, and a razor blade-cutting sore throat have been my life for 3 weeks now. When I went back to my prudent physician to complain about my violent hacking, he suggested I might have the flu. THE FLU? THE FLU? Didn’t we take care of this last week? “Oh, don’t believe the myth that the flu shot gives you the flu,” he responded. “That’s simply not true.”
I have great respect for the medical profession and I’m sure my 40 dollar co-pay is well worth the price for the years of training and education that it takes to become a M.D. But let’s be very clear about this…THE FLU SHOT GIVES YOU THE FLU!
That being said, I hope I didn’t infect Hollywood’s A-list actor Jake Gyllenhaal when I sat down with him at the Essex Hotel in Manhattan for this month’s cover story. If I did, my apologies. As long as Jake didn’t get the flu shot, he should be fine.
By the time this issue hits the streets, the sun should be shining, my friend Banc from Titillations will be mocking my golf inabilities and once again, all will be right with the world.